I also read a lot of aesops fables and I struggled a bit coming up with my own stories from them because they were so short. I really liked how you extended the story into a theme of disrespect I thought it was clever and creative. One of my comments would be to explain the fight scene between the lion and donkey more. Maybe give some graphic details and even some details on where and how the other animals attacked him as well. I think that would give the audience a better visual of how hurt the lion really was and solidify just how weak the donkey was to be killed by lion on his last breath. Again, I really enjoyed your story because you made the lion go out with honor and not lose any dignity. I am a huge fan of the lion as it is one of my favorite animals but you took this story and kept the lion looking tough.
I love the title of your storybook! While I like your background, I think you might want to look for an image that puts readers in a certain mindset or mood to get ready for your stories! I'm not sure if there's going to be a link between all your stories? Like one main character or something? If not, would this be a portfolio? I'm not sure..
I really like the concept of your story! Your lion is very brave even though he's dying. The donkey is, indeed, a coward I totally agree with you there, but I think a bit more information on his and the lion's past would be helpful. We get snippets but I think it would be a bit more meaningful if we knew about the altercations that happened before hand (the ones mentioned in your author's note). I personally didn't like any of the animals that came to beat up the lion because I didn't know why they were hurting him.
When you get the chance, go back through and catch those run on sentences. I've had similar problems in the past when I'm trying to get all my thoughts down at once! It's no big deal and usually easy to fix so no worries!
This was definitely a very cool read! I did not know what to expect because I have not read many of Aesop's Fables. I thought that this was definitely a great introduction for me! I have always had a great amount of respect for the lion. The lion has and will always be the king of the jungle. It is definitely one of the most respected animals in the kingdom. I liked that you really emphasized this point in your writing. The lion rules over everyone and this is a theme that we see in a multitude of stories. I think it is cool that you stuck with that theme. I also liked how you expanded upon the original story. You really grabbed my attention when the lion began attacking the donkey! I think that the last ditch effort by the lion to reassert his dominance was really cool. Even in his worst state he was still able to remind everyone of his power. I wonder what would happen if the lion survived this sickness? Would he take on every animal that beat him during his worst days? I think that could be a really cool sequel to this story. Overall, I thought it was great! I am looking forward to what you write in the future.
Hi Matthew, I really like your image that you chose for your banner, it’s a nice introduction into your storybook. I also like your title! You do such a great job with your descriptions and vivid imagery because I can so easily imagine the scene and all of the actions. I like how you lengthened the story so well! It’s normally pretty difficult to add a lot more to a story that was originally short. The fight between the lion and the mule are perfect. It really gives a sense of how much the lion honors his pride and how disrespectful it was for the mule who is always a coward to disrespect the king while he was dying. Your picture of the lion at the very bottom is also great! Maybe you could add dialogue for the lion so that the viewers can get insight on his exact thoughts on the situation rather than a narrator’s point of view on the lion’s thoughts.
Hi Matthew! I loved your image! My favorite part of your story was when you described, “How they could see the life leaving the lions glorious eyes.” You described this scene so well. The concept of respect with the roar was also something I really liked about your story. The roar was such a good symbolic moment for the story. I did wonder about the feelings and emotions in your story. What if you added in some dialogue on respect? I think this would make your story stand out even more, and would really help your readers connect with the characters and the theme of your story. Overall, I thought this was such a cool first addition to your storybook. The neutral colors also set the perfect vibe. It also had a masculine look. This automatically made me connect the king to your theme. I think you did a great job, and I look forward to more stories!
Hi Matthew, I also read Aesop’s Fables and chose some of the stories to do as my own. They involved a little more thinking than the others I had done since the stories were so short and had to be extended but I thought you did a great job on yours. I like how you thought about the lion as if he was yourself and how you would react to the mule taking the last blow. Maybe you could add a little more details about the attack such as the emotions involved throughout the attack. Also, I did see that you may have had a typo when you put “donkey” instead of “mule” which they are slightly different, but still different animals. I thought your page design looked great and I really liked the layout and the title bar at the top. Great story and hope to read more throughout the semester!
First of all I would like to complement your set-up. Your page is very neat, easy to navigate, and personalized. The photo of the lion added to your first page as well as the (I'm assuming) custom icon in the top left corner. Very impressive!
Your story was very well written. I love how you walked us through the feelings of the lion as he took his final moments. I am curious as to how the lion treated the other animals prior to this. Was he a cruel king that deserved all of the punishment he was facing in his final moments of life? Did the mule run from him each time he came around because he knew that he would be harmed if he didn't? Being an animal lover and feeling bad for the lion, those are the questions that came to mind. But, with the details listed, I was able to create my own back story.
Hey Matthew! I love your design! I am using close to the same layout as you and I love it. Google sites are really easy to use and user friendly. I actually should probably do a better job at implementing pictures into my pages to set the mood more like you have. As for your story, I loved that as well! I really like the way you describe the lion, but my biggest advice is to give us a little more perspective from the lion's point of view. Make the story a bit more personal and intriguing to the reader by describing the deep emotions and thoughts of the lion throughout his journey. I am writing stories right now that require very detailed descriptions of specific types of thought processes and I know it isn't easy, so it would impress me if you able to do this!
Hey Matthew, Great story! I really like how you added to the ending so it was not so abrupt. The Lion being such a powerful figure in the animal kingdom is very symbolic and can be relatable. Which I also like how you related to the story in your authors note. Some things that stood out to me were the long sentences. I felt like maybe some of those sentences could be separated rather than using multiple commas. It was a little difficult to feel the power of the sentence. I do not know if this was intentional but that is just what I noticed. Overall, I did really enjoy the story and liked the layout of your blog! The colors accent the story type. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
Hey, Mathew! Your storybook is looking great! In your story Always a King you chose striking images that went perfectly with your story! I really love your header image since it perfectly correlates to how the lion was feeling in the beginning of the story; sick and defeated. When I was reading the story a few questions and comments came to my mind! I was wondering how the lion could have any respect for his subjects attacking him while he was down? You mention that the bull, eagle, and boar all attack him before the mule does and to me it was hard to understand how he could let them attack him. As you said he was the king and I feel as though he would be equally angry about the other animals attacking. Also what if you made a few of your sentences a little shorter? Maybe this could be used as a dramatic effect.
Hey, Matthew! I just took a look at your project site, nice job. I like the overall look of your site but the cover image on the home page just felt a little plain. Maybe try adding an image that encapsulates the mood of your project. Your stories have great images that work with the stories so well. I would just like to see the same thing on the home page. I like how you are adding detail to the stories and making them longer than the original - like in "Always a King." I spotted a few grammar errors in both stories but that is an easy fix. Just a quick read through to catch typos and such. I really like that you pulled from personal experiences for your second story - I think its great! I noticed that most of your sentences are rather lengthy and can come off a bit long-winded. A good way to tackle this is with varying your punctuation - you'd be amazed what a well-placed semi-colon or dash can do. Well done!
Hey Matthew, First off I like that on your homepage you gave a very short description of what would be on your website. Each of the stories can stand on their own, something that is important for the portfolio project. In the first story I could figure out where you got the original basis for the tale from. I had read the Aesop Fables and really like the way you expanded on the original story. It is sad that the lion had to die, but going out by fighting off a cowardly foe seemed more fitting for the king of the jungles personality. In your second story was very suspenseful, I was on the edge of my seating waiting to see what would happen to the family. I enjoyed in the author’s notes learning that you had a personal connection to the story. I have not read or know much about Hawaiian myths and really enjoyed getting to learn about it from someone who grew up hearing the tales. I cannot wait to read your future stories. Great project!
Hi Matthew! I liked the set up of your Portfolio a lot. It's very clean and professional looking, and the pictures used for each story are great. I also read Aesop's Fables and I really enjoyed your expansion of the original fable. Would it be better to maybe have separate paragraphs for the mule and the lion's injury? It was a little disjointed with the narrator talking about them both in the same paragraph. I loved the ending though! It was really powerful! Even though it was sad hat the lion died, he truly left as the King of the Jungle. Your second story had such a good twist! I did not at all think it was going to be a "ghost/horror" story as you described it. The entire time I just kept thinking about the Menehune from the episode of Full House where they visit Hawaii. You used such great description and imagery! I felt like I was actually there. Great Job on both stories!
Hi Matthew! I like the design of your portfolio. It is very clean and crisp, which draw attention to your stories, rather than the page itself. I liked how in your first story, the lion went out on top. He was king of course, but how could his subject be so disrespectful in his last moments? Was he a bad king? Maybe you could expand on this idea of why the animals wanted revenge on the king. I love the title of your second post! Lost in paradise really catches the readers attention. I love that you did a kind of ghost story about Hawaii! I wanted to do my storybook about the old ghost tales in Hawaii, so I really loved this story. I like how your story had modern twists, such as the modern conveniences or WIFI, that really made the story more relatable to our time! I also liked how you made the kids act as any modern teenage would! Great job so far! I look forward to reading more.
Hello, Matthew! I really enjoyed your website, particularly your story about the lion - “Always a King.” I’d like to briefly discuss some things that I liked about this story, and also a couple small suggestions I have for this story and the website as a whole! First, I think your images worked really well. Both the banner image and the image of the lion at the end of the story provided an attractive aesthetic. I like the idea of a king that has lost his power, but won’t relinquish his strength until the very end. For some reason, it made me think of Toby Keith’s song with the lyrics, “I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once, as I ever was.” The lion doesn’t have his strength from the past, but he is able to summon it for one final kill! I would have really liked to have more background on the story, or perhaps a little further plot development over all. You have a great narrative that is action packed and also filled with emotion, but it seems that there is just one single scene. It would be great to maybe provide a story from the lion’s rule when he was strong, or perhaps a previous interaction between him and the mule in order to provide more context for their animosity. I’m also curious as to how the separate stories on your site will be related! Is there any subtle, overall theme that you are trying to convey? Or are you simply choosing different stories that appeal to you? Just some things to consider! Keep up the great work.
Hello Matthew! I love how personal you made the first story. You put yourself in the lion's "shoes" and made the story your own. The lion goes down in a blaze of glory, defeating his last challenger. I am a little interested in who is taking the king's place after he dies. I understand that it is not relevant to the story, but theoretically there would be a scramble for power. From the very beginning of your second story I do not get the best impression from the main character's family. Are these the main character's true feelings, or the narrator's feelings? You are very descriptive in this story; well done! One can easily picture what is going on and what the characters are feeling. Why at the end was it only his family who were turned into statues? Why was the main character not included? Was he considered more moral? Is that something that the Menehune care about? What did the other family members do to warrant this? Yes, they were terrible, but did that affect the Menehune in any way? Maybe you could include something about why they transform people like that.
Thank you for the feedback. The reason behind it is in the author's note. As far as everything else it would have to be a complete rewrite of the story, possibly a different one to include some of that. If the word count was more that would be easy to do.
Hi Matthew! Your storybook set up is nice, however, I could not find your introduction to you project. I did not know if this was a collection of stories, or a story book until I read through each story. I did love your first story! I have been to Lucerne, Switzerland where that lion statue is carved into the side of a mountain. It is a beautiful statue right above a little garden with a small reflection pool. It was very fitting to your story of a strong, triumphant lion. Like Kathleen said, I too was wondering who would be the next King. Will it be the lion? Did the King have children who were heirs to the thrown? In your second story, in the first paragraph you need a comma after Hawaii. Your character explanation was great! However, the plot was a little confusing at the end, for I did not know what his family had to be turned into statues and not another alternative. Was there symbolization in this? Perhaps some more detail on the Menehune would be beneficial!
Thank you for the feedback. The explanation on why they were turned to stones is in the Author's note, the word count was too high to add it into the actual story.
Hi there Matthew! So glad to have stumbled across your storybook/portfolio. Great job on your colors and photos all following one theme. I usually prefer portfolios to have a different theme for each different story that has been written, but I think that this works fine for yours! I am so intrigued by your second story, Lost in Paradise! I am always down for a good mythical/legend conspiracy haha. Not only that, but in your authors note you mentioned that your Uncle told you the story? I think that it so cool! How was did he hear about it, or does he have any experience with these weird creatures?? Either way, that's a neat personal feature. The only recommendation I would like to give, that I see could be helpful in your storybook, is the addition of a introduction. I feel like you could throw in a personal recount of the stories, a brief summary, and maybe what led you to write them. Other than that, great job and Happy Writing!
Matthew, the colors, pictures, and design of your project are very aesthetically pleasing! I think using your stories’ titles instead of first and second as page names could make your site look more enticing. I liked that in your first story, your king is fierce until the very end. I wish there had been a bit more backstory though. I understand that the mule is a coward, but maybe you could give a flashback of the mule being cowardly or betraying the king. I think this would give the lion’s rage more reason. In the second story, I was a little confused with the ending. How did the Menehune turn his family to stone? How did they get them into the car if they were just tiny beings? I feel like it would’ve made more sense if they’d camped in the car or if he had awoken to them frozen in stone on the ground where they slept. Definitely an interesting story! I’d never heard of these beings and you did a nice job of making them a little spooky.
Matthew, I really think you should add a picture to this comment wall. The point of putting a picture on the comment wall is to give your readers a glimpse of what your story is about before they even look at it. It gives them an excitement to read the story and an insight on how they should think of what you wrote. I was wondering, also, why I thought that you had written your first story so well. I think, now, it is because you wrote is almost exactly like the way the original story was written. I think this would be fine if you were going to relay the story audibly, but you wrote it down. I'm not sure that your story isn't plagiarized. I enjoyed your second story much more. It was original, and you wrote it intelligently for the most part. It was a little long, but since you saved your picture until the end, it didn't seem so bad.
Hi Matthew, Great stories! I especially liked "Lost in Paradise." The author's note was so helpful for this story, because it explained the surprising ending, and I really enjoyed learning that you grew up hearing these stories! I like that you took your childhood stories and came up with your own characters and story to make the story more modern. I also like that you incorporated something that obviously frustrates you: vanity and ingratitude. That gave the story a lesson that was probably not present in the original, and I think that was really creative of you! Lines about the kids being spoiled and vain were a bit repetitive, so maybe you could take a couple of those lines out. You make it clear from the beginning how vain the kids are, so it's okay not to mention it so much throughout the story. I would definitely keep the lines about the selfies and wanting to impress their followers, though, because that makes the ending ironic and satisfying. Great job mixing old and new to create your own story! It was really entertaining and I had fun learning about the Menehune.
Hey Matthew, I really enjoyed your storybook and wish you had more stories on there to read. My favorite was the second story that was called “Lost in Paradise”. I feel like it was very realistic and relative to whoever is reading it. I think that everyone has been on a crazy vacation with the family and been so annoyed and frustrated by siblings or family. I think that if you focused on making a little more details so we feel like we are able to see and feel what the family is feeling throughout the whole trip. I think you should continue to expand not only your project but also your writings in general. You do a great job and so I feel like you could really open a new world for some readers. I think that you should continue writing! Have a great dead week and good luck on finals!
Hey Matthew!
ReplyDeleteI also read a lot of aesops fables and I struggled a bit coming up with my own stories from them because they were so short. I really liked how you extended the story into a theme of disrespect I thought it was clever and creative. One of my comments would be to explain the fight scene between the lion and donkey more. Maybe give some graphic details and even some details on where and how the other animals attacked him as well. I think that would give the audience a better visual of how hurt the lion really was and solidify just how weak the donkey was to be killed by lion on his last breath. Again, I really enjoyed your story because you made the lion go out with honor and not lose any dignity. I am a huge fan of the lion as it is one of my favorite animals but you took this story and kept the lion looking tough.
Hey Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI love the title of your storybook! While I like your background, I think you might want to look for an image that puts readers in a certain mindset or mood to get ready for your stories!
I'm not sure if there's going to be a link between all your stories? Like one main character or something? If not, would this be a portfolio? I'm not sure..
I really like the concept of your story! Your lion is very brave even though he's dying. The donkey is, indeed, a coward I totally agree with you there, but I think a bit more information on his and the lion's past would be helpful. We get snippets but I think it would be a bit more meaningful if we knew about the altercations that happened before hand (the ones mentioned in your author's note). I personally didn't like any of the animals that came to beat up the lion because I didn't know why they were hurting him.
When you get the chance, go back through and catch those run on sentences. I've had similar problems in the past when I'm trying to get all my thoughts down at once! It's no big deal and usually easy to fix so no worries!
Good job! Can't wait to see where this goes!
Hey there, Matthew!
ReplyDeleteThis was definitely a very cool read! I did not know what to expect because I have not read many of Aesop's Fables. I thought that this was definitely a great introduction for me! I have always had a great amount of respect for the lion. The lion has and will always be the king of the jungle. It is definitely one of the most respected animals in the kingdom. I liked that you really emphasized this point in your writing. The lion rules over everyone and this is a theme that we see in a multitude of stories. I think it is cool that you stuck with that theme. I also liked how you expanded upon the original story. You really grabbed my attention when the lion began attacking the donkey! I think that the last ditch effort by the lion to reassert his dominance was really cool. Even in his worst state he was still able to remind everyone of his power. I wonder what would happen if the lion survived this sickness? Would he take on every animal that beat him during his worst days? I think that could be a really cool sequel to this story. Overall, I thought it was great! I am looking forward to what you write in the future.
Hi Matthew, I really like your image that you chose for your banner, it’s a nice introduction into your storybook. I also like your title! You do such a great job with your descriptions and vivid imagery because I can so easily imagine the scene and all of the actions. I like how you lengthened the story so well! It’s normally pretty difficult to add a lot more to a story that was originally short. The fight between the lion and the mule are perfect. It really gives a sense of how much the lion honors his pride and how disrespectful it was for the mule who is always a coward to disrespect the king while he was dying. Your picture of the lion at the very bottom is also great! Maybe you could add dialogue for the lion so that the viewers can get insight on his exact thoughts on the situation rather than a narrator’s point of view on the lion’s thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHi Matthew! I loved your image! My favorite part of your story was when you described, “How they could see the life leaving the lions glorious eyes.” You described this scene so well. The concept of respect with the roar was also something I really liked about your story. The roar was such a good symbolic moment for the story. I did wonder about the feelings and emotions in your story. What if you added in some dialogue on respect? I think this would make your story stand out even more, and would really help your readers connect with the characters and the theme of your story. Overall, I thought this was such a cool first addition to your storybook. The neutral colors also set the perfect vibe. It also had a masculine look. This automatically made me connect the king to your theme. I think you did a great job, and I look forward to more stories!
ReplyDeleteHi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI also read Aesop’s Fables and chose some of the stories to do as my own. They involved a little more thinking than the others I had done since the stories were so short and had to be extended but I thought you did a great job on yours. I like how you thought about the lion as if he was yourself and how you would react to the mule taking the last blow. Maybe you could add a little more details about the attack such as the emotions involved throughout the attack. Also, I did see that you may have had a typo when you put “donkey” instead of “mule” which they are slightly different, but still different animals. I thought your page design looked great and I really liked the layout and the title bar at the top. Great story and hope to read more throughout the semester!
Hi Matthew!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I would like to complement your set-up. Your page is very neat, easy to navigate, and personalized. The photo of the lion added to your first page as well as the (I'm assuming) custom icon in the top left corner. Very impressive!
Your story was very well written. I love how you walked us through the feelings of the lion as he took his final moments. I am curious as to how the lion treated the other animals prior to this. Was he a cruel king that deserved all of the punishment he was facing in his final moments of life? Did the mule run from him each time he came around because he knew that he would be harmed if he didn't? Being an animal lover and feeling bad for the lion, those are the questions that came to mind. But, with the details listed, I was able to create my own back story.
Thank you for sharing!
Hey Matthew!
ReplyDeleteI love your design! I am using close to the same layout as you and I love it. Google sites are really easy to use and user friendly. I actually should probably do a better job at implementing pictures into my pages to set the mood more like you have. As for your story, I loved that as well! I really like the way you describe the lion, but my biggest advice is to give us a little more perspective from the lion's point of view. Make the story a bit more personal and intriguing to the reader by describing the deep emotions and thoughts of the lion throughout his journey. I am writing stories right now that require very detailed descriptions of specific types of thought processes and I know it isn't easy, so it would impress me if you able to do this!
Best of luck Matthew!
Hey Matthew,
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I really like how you added to the ending so it was not so abrupt. The Lion being such a powerful figure in the animal kingdom is very symbolic and can be relatable. Which I also like how you related to the story in your authors note.
Some things that stood out to me were the long sentences. I felt like maybe some of those sentences could be separated rather than using multiple commas. It was a little difficult to feel the power of the sentence. I do not know if this was intentional but that is just what I noticed. Overall, I did really enjoy the story and liked the layout of your blog! The colors accent the story type. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
Thank you!
Hey, Mathew! Your storybook is looking great! In your story Always a King you chose striking images that went perfectly with your story! I really love your header image since it perfectly correlates to how the lion was feeling in the beginning of the story; sick and defeated.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was reading the story a few questions and comments came to my mind! I was wondering how the lion could have any respect for his subjects attacking him while he was down? You mention that the bull, eagle, and boar all attack him before the mule does and to me it was hard to understand how he could let them attack him. As you said he was the king and I feel as though he would be equally angry about the other animals attacking. Also what if you made a few of your sentences a little shorter? Maybe this could be used as a dramatic effect.
Great work!
Hey, Matthew! I just took a look at your project site, nice job. I like the overall look of your site but the cover image on the home page just felt a little plain. Maybe try adding an image that encapsulates the mood of your project. Your stories have great images that work with the stories so well. I would just like to see the same thing on the home page. I like how you are adding detail to the stories and making them longer than the original - like in "Always a King." I spotted a few grammar errors in both stories but that is an easy fix. Just a quick read through to catch typos and such. I really like that you pulled from personal experiences for your second story - I think its great! I noticed that most of your sentences are rather lengthy and can come off a bit long-winded. A good way to tackle this is with varying your punctuation - you'd be amazed what a well-placed semi-colon or dash can do. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHey Matthew,
ReplyDeleteFirst off I like that on your homepage you gave a very short description of what would be on your website. Each of the stories can stand on their own, something that is important for the portfolio project. In the first story I could figure out where you got the original basis for the tale from. I had read the Aesop Fables and really like the way you expanded on the original story. It is sad that the lion had to die, but going out by fighting off a cowardly foe seemed more fitting for the king of the jungles personality.
In your second story was very suspenseful, I was on the edge of my seating waiting to see what would happen to the family. I enjoyed in the author’s notes learning that you had a personal connection to the story. I have not read or know much about Hawaiian myths and really enjoyed getting to learn about it from someone who grew up hearing the tales. I cannot wait to read your future stories. Great project!
Hi Matthew! I liked the set up of your Portfolio a lot. It's very clean and professional looking, and the pictures used for each story are great. I also read Aesop's Fables and I really enjoyed your expansion of the original fable. Would it be better to maybe have separate paragraphs for the mule and the lion's injury? It was a little disjointed with the narrator talking about them both in the same paragraph. I loved the ending though! It was really powerful! Even though it was sad hat the lion died, he truly left as the King of the Jungle.
ReplyDeleteYour second story had such a good twist! I did not at all think it was going to be a "ghost/horror" story as you described it. The entire time I just kept thinking about the Menehune from the episode of Full House where they visit Hawaii. You used such great description and imagery! I felt like I was actually there. Great Job on both stories!
Hi Matthew! I like the design of your portfolio. It is very clean and crisp, which draw attention to your stories, rather than the page itself. I liked how in your first story, the lion went out on top. He was king of course, but how could his subject be so disrespectful in his last moments? Was he a bad king? Maybe you could expand on this idea of why the animals wanted revenge on the king. I love the title of your second post! Lost in paradise really catches the readers attention. I love that you did a kind of ghost story about Hawaii! I wanted to do my storybook about the old ghost tales in Hawaii, so I really loved this story. I like how your story had modern twists, such as the modern conveniences or WIFI, that really made the story more relatable to our time! I also liked how you made the kids act as any modern teenage would! Great job so far! I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteHello, Matthew!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your website, particularly your story about the lion - “Always a King.” I’d like to briefly discuss some things that I liked about this story, and also a couple small suggestions I have for this story and the website as a whole!
First, I think your images worked really well. Both the banner image and the image of the lion at the end of the story provided an attractive aesthetic. I like the idea of a king that has lost his power, but won’t relinquish his strength until the very end. For some reason, it made me think of Toby Keith’s song with the lyrics, “I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once, as I ever was.” The lion doesn’t have his strength from the past, but he is able to summon it for one final kill!
I would have really liked to have more background on the story, or perhaps a little further plot development over all. You have a great narrative that is action packed and also filled with emotion, but it seems that there is just one single scene. It would be great to maybe provide a story from the lion’s rule when he was strong, or perhaps a previous interaction between him and the mule in order to provide more context for their animosity.
I’m also curious as to how the separate stories on your site will be related! Is there any subtle, overall theme that you are trying to convey? Or are you simply choosing different stories that appeal to you? Just some things to consider! Keep up the great work.
Hello Matthew!
ReplyDeleteI love how personal you made the first story. You put yourself in the lion's "shoes" and made the story your own. The lion goes down in a blaze of glory, defeating his last challenger. I am a little interested in who is taking the king's place after he dies. I understand that it is not relevant to the story, but theoretically there would be a scramble for power.
From the very beginning of your second story I do not get the best impression from the main character's family. Are these the main character's true feelings, or the narrator's feelings? You are very descriptive in this story; well done! One can easily picture what is going on and what the characters are feeling. Why at the end was it only his family who were turned into statues? Why was the main character not included? Was he considered more moral? Is that something that the Menehune care about? What did the other family members do to warrant this? Yes, they were terrible, but did that affect the Menehune in any way? Maybe you could include something about why they transform people like that.
Thank you for the feedback. The reason behind it is in the author's note. As far as everything else it would have to be a complete rewrite of the story, possibly a different one to include some of that. If the word count was more that would be easy to do.
DeleteHi Matthew!
ReplyDeleteYour storybook set up is nice, however, I could not find your introduction to you project. I did not know if this was a collection of stories, or a story book until I read through each story.
I did love your first story! I have been to Lucerne, Switzerland where that lion statue is carved into the side of a mountain. It is a beautiful statue right above a little garden with a small reflection pool. It was very fitting to your story of a strong, triumphant lion. Like Kathleen said, I too was wondering who would be the next King. Will it be the lion? Did the King have children who were heirs to the thrown?
In your second story, in the first paragraph you need a comma after Hawaii. Your character explanation was great! However, the plot was a little confusing at the end, for I did not know what his family had to be turned into statues and not another alternative. Was there symbolization in this? Perhaps some more detail on the Menehune would be beneficial!
Thank you for the feedback. The explanation on why they were turned to stones is in the Author's note, the word count was too high to add it into the actual story.
DeleteHi there Matthew! So glad to have stumbled across your storybook/portfolio.
ReplyDeleteGreat job on your colors and photos all following one theme. I usually prefer portfolios to have a different theme for each different story that has been written, but I think that this works fine for yours!
I am so intrigued by your second story, Lost in Paradise! I am always down for a good mythical/legend conspiracy haha. Not only that, but in your authors note you mentioned that your Uncle told you the story? I think that it so cool! How was did he hear about it, or does he have any experience with these weird creatures?? Either way, that's a neat personal feature.
The only recommendation I would like to give, that I see could be helpful in your storybook, is the addition of a introduction. I feel like you could throw in a personal recount of the stories, a brief summary, and maybe what led you to write them.
Other than that, great job and Happy Writing!
I don't know why there are so many gaps between my words..?
DeleteMatthew, the colors, pictures, and design of your project are very aesthetically pleasing! I think using your stories’ titles instead of first and second as page names could make your site look more enticing. I liked that in your first story, your king is fierce until the very end. I wish there had been a bit more backstory though. I understand that the mule is a coward, but maybe you could give a flashback of the mule being cowardly or betraying the king. I think this would give the lion’s rage more reason. In the second story, I was a little confused with the ending. How did the Menehune turn his family to stone? How did they get them into the car if they were just tiny beings? I feel like it would’ve made more sense if they’d camped in the car or if he had awoken to them frozen in stone on the ground where they slept. Definitely an interesting story! I’d never heard of these beings and you did a nice job of making them a little spooky.
ReplyDeleteMatthew, I really think you should add a picture to this comment wall. The point of putting a picture on the comment wall is to give your readers a glimpse of what your story is about before they even look at it. It gives them an excitement to read the story and an insight on how they should think of what you wrote.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering, also, why I thought that you had written your first story so well. I think, now, it is because you wrote is almost exactly like the way the original story was written. I think this would be fine if you were going to relay the story audibly, but you wrote it down. I'm not sure that your story isn't plagiarized. I enjoyed your second story much more. It was original, and you wrote it intelligently for the most part. It was a little long, but since you saved your picture until the end, it didn't seem so bad.
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteGreat stories! I especially liked "Lost in Paradise." The author's note was so helpful for this story, because it explained the surprising ending, and I really enjoyed learning that you grew up hearing these stories! I like that you took your childhood stories and came up with your own characters and story to make the story more modern. I also like that you incorporated something that obviously frustrates you: vanity and ingratitude. That gave the story a lesson that was probably not present in the original, and I think that was really creative of you! Lines about the kids being spoiled and vain were a bit repetitive, so maybe you could take a couple of those lines out. You make it clear from the beginning how vain the kids are, so it's okay not to mention it so much throughout the story. I would definitely keep the lines about the selfies and wanting to impress their followers, though, because that makes the ending ironic and satisfying. Great job mixing old and new to create your own story! It was really entertaining and I had fun learning about the Menehune.
Hey Matthew,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your storybook and wish you had more stories on there to read. My favorite was the second story that was called “Lost in Paradise”. I feel like it was very realistic and relative to whoever is reading it. I think that everyone has been on a crazy vacation with the family and been so annoyed and frustrated by siblings or family. I think that if you focused on making a little more details so we feel like we are able to see and feel what the family is feeling throughout the whole trip. I think you should continue to expand not only your project but also your writings in general. You do a great job and so I feel like you could really open a new world for some readers. I think that you should continue writing! Have a great dead week and good luck on finals!